the sky is cloudless today. blue, like the ocean, and never ending. i look up and scream at god for making everything around me so calm and so beautiful and for making me... anxious. anxious for something tangible. i want more than the words i read on the screen everyday and the way he tells me he loves me. i want to feel his breath on my neck, i want to feel the rush when his hand touches mine or when i look into his eyes. i just want him near me.
i find myself craving him. craving his skin on mine. craving his hand to touch my leg...slowly creeping up to take part in something i would only allow him to do. and i crave that. i crave that anxiousness of him being inside me. i want to feel him underneath me. holding me close and kissing me and not paying attention to anyone else except for me.
this anxiety will never disappear. i test myself every week, like those required weekly tests on tv that interrupt the one episode of ER that you have been dying to see with the annoying beeping sound. i close my eyes and breathe in and make sure im still alive. to make sure im still sane. to make sure that i can live without him when times get rough.
in this point in my life, im not sure if being without him is healthy for me.